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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 7: Retreat! Run away! |  | |
Issue 7: Retreat! Run away!
09-21-2006 10:15
Welcome to this edition of the Procyon Herald. Topping today's news, the Battle of Tau-23 continues to be the talk of the galaxy. Just 72 hours after the battle, rumors are circulating of another attempt to organize a resistance movement aimed at casting off the shackles of the OuTcAsT oppressors. Allied forces have alledgedly retreated to a new secret base, to regroup and reorganize. With the benefit of video footage of the battle, collected by photo journalist 12evan, attempts are now being made to analyse weaknesses in the Allied plan of attack. Org clan member Crescens, a participant in the battle, seemed unfazed by the news. "Plan??? They called that a plan?! The soap scum in my bathtub could've planned a better attack!" Vice Admiral Mank, leader of the Allied Forces and part-time herder of cats, suggested "Crescens has a big mouth. One day soon, we're going to shut it for him. Permanently." Colonel Conseco, Director of Charity and Public Relations for the OuTcAsTs responded to the challenge: "Mank can kiss my kraken." Chiyo-chan quickly agreed. "Yes! Krakens are good for kissing! And keep your hands off my seeds!" Yes folks, things appear to be heating up again. Alliance pilot Tatsu has requested that language during any future battle be kept civilized. To which, Pelotas replied simply, "Suck it, punk."
In other news, Bretonia citizens are beginning to agitate at the length of time it seems to be taking Deep Space Engineering to complete work on the trade lanes in Tau-31. "It's bloody out of order is what it is," claimed Joe Bloggs, a Holman Base mechanic contracted by IMG. "Those bloody sods 'ave been working on those bloody gates since Freelancer was first released in stores. Paid by the hour is what I think. Where's Maggie Thatcher when you need her, what? There's a lady who knew how to deal with the unions!"
In sports, 4-time NASCAR Winston Cup champion John Lee Pedimore tasted glory once again at the HMS Hood Racetrack last Sunday, winning his 5th consecutive title. After the race, our reporters caught up with the racer:
"Tell us about the race Johnny. How do you feel?"
"Hooooey! Ah'm plum wore out! You sho talk ahl fancy. You from the big city, aintcha? Ah ain't never seed New Yauk."
"Er...yeah. This is your 5th straight title, Johnny. Even your father, John Lee Pedimore, never achieved this kind of success."
"Hale yea! Same as his daddy and his daddy before. Ma momma said ah's a good ol' boy, but Uncle Pappy said she don't know nothin'. Said dayum! Ah bleeve that gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it!"
We have absolutely no idea what that means. Thanks for tuning into this issue of the Herald, folks. This is correspondent Ravenwood, signing off.
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